Trying

I'm trying so hard. It's like walking at normal speed in pitch darkness. It's like the leap of faith. Jesus recently told me, just this past Sunday, "Did you know that you're walking on water?" I must be walking on water. I'm trying to not look at the waves and the storm. I'm trying to keep my eyes on Jesus and run to Him with everything. Sometimes, that's so easy. Other times, it's hard just trying to get out of bed. Depression is called a boomerang illness. It is so true! It goes away for a long time. The sun comes back out in your life. You can smile again and feel happy. Then one day, out of the blue, the colors start to bleach out of the world around you again.

I found myself thinking about death today. The day was practically over when the thought hit me that I've been thinking about death all day. Thinking, as if, death was a reality that would be realized very soon. I thought about how I would be remembered. How I would die. It didn't enter into my mind that I might just live to a ripe old age. I was terrified when I realized that I've fallen back into these thoughts. I used to think like this every day. I finally realized I wasn't going to die very soon sometime in college. I'm 25 now and I never saw myself reaching this age. I never saw myself living past 17 really.

I hate that all of this is coming back and slapping me in the face. I know Satan is trying to scare me back into old patterns. He has so much ammunition! So often lately I've forgotten that I don't have to listen to him. The only One I need to hear from is Jesus. Jesus always tells me the truth. He always does what is best for me, no matter what. I'm trying so hard to cling to the things I know to be true. If you're reading this, please pray for me. I feel so alone. Jesus says that I'm never alone. I know it's just a feeling. But feelings can hurt so much. I just feel so isolated. I feel like I can't come to people with the truth of what I'm going through right now. I've gone through it before, nothing really has changed. It worries people and stresses them out. I don't want to do that to people. Gosh, I just want to be held and told that it's going to be okay. Ever since I first told my parents that I was being sexually abused, that's all I've ever wanted. I want someone to just hold me close and whisper softly to me that it's going to be okay and that I am loved. I'm so afraid of driving people away with all that I'm going through, so I hide it, or make it out to not be as serious as it is.

I'm sure that's what the enemy wants. He wants me to isolate myself for fear that the people I love will leave me if they see me like this. I want to stop crying by myself. I want to stop putting on a brave face and minimizing what I'm feeling. How do I do that? How do you just be that honest? I'm scared of losing one person in particular. This person has reassured me over and over that they are not leaving me, that I can't lose them. It gives me hope, but the fear is still there. I guess I just have to take that leap of faith and trust. Trust is so hard. It can feel like you're losing everything even when you're not losing anything.

Your prayers are appreciated. Comments are welcome. I haven't written in so long and I'm not planning on advertising me writing again on facebook. I don't know if facebook has other plans. Stupid site likes to blow a horn every time I do even the smallest thing.

I'm not always like this. I'm so different when I'm actually being myself. It's during the times when I can't see clearly and I lose sight of truth that I need to write, usually anyway. I know I started this blog when I was in a good place. Well, I think I'll go ahead and post this. I'm sure my writing quality is awful, but I'm writing for my benefit. Thank you for reading.